Sexual Chemistry or Sexual Skill

Hello fellow young adults!

So prior to writing a new post, I went through some of my drafts that I’ve had saved for how long. And then I found this one – it was mostly written, what I thought was an interesting topic and still relevant. So I’ve edited and added to this post but the majority of the ideas were from February.

Further to my post back in February (The Politics of Dating), I wrote about my experience on a second date. Originally, I focused a lot about some of the discussions that we had at the beginning of the date. I left out the second half of the date – the stuff that happened in the bedroom.

No, we did not sleep together. Not that I wouldn’t do it on a second date but it was just not something on my mind.

Yet everything else that we did was spectacular. And I mean “Oh” my gosh.

This was a thought that lingered in my mind for at least a week after our second date. It made me feel like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and The City except I wasn’t going to get paid to finish this blog post, which is probably why it had to sit for 9 months before I looked at it again. Nevertheless…

Was my great experience because we have good sexual chemistry or because he has good sexual skill?

This boy in question has a fairly experienced number of partners in my opinion. And I’m not trying to cast any sort of judgment because as many of my friends would indicate, it’s a learning process, self-discovery and really, just fun. As long as people are safe about protecting themselves, who am I to say what number of partners is too many for a person.

However, I still do need to believe that a certain number of partners would indicate a different level of skill. It’s different experience with different people – the opportunity to notice new trends and patterns and even new things to try out.

During the chat that this boy and I had when revealing our numbers, I expressed my surprise to his number. His response (wittingly), “was I so inept?”. And my reply, “no, I guess I was the inept one there”. And again, this is my own perception, but the more times you compete at an event, typically, the better you do. For example, the more swim meets that one attends, the more comfortable said person gets at diving into the pool, doing the flip turns, finishing at the wall etc.. And if they go to different pools, lets say, they learn about different formats of pools.

Fast forward to the present – this boy and I are no longer dating, we never slept together but we did have some fun. We didn’t work out, I think, because although the physical was great, we couldn’t catch up the emotional/intellectual connection to a place that I would like it to be. I actually remember going on a fourth or fifth date, hoping that we could find some common ground before I broke it off. I think it was relatively mutual.

I think that he was someone with a lot of sexual skill. My ex-lover (not even a serious relationship but the closest thing that I have) and I had a great combination of sexual chemistry and sexual skill. I think that’s the goal – to find someone who obviously knows that they’re doing but that just matches with your body.

The Wrong Mentality for Dating

So I’m on my few days off with my job (these are some of the benefits of shift work) so I’ll try to catch up with some of the blogging that I’ve seemed to have missed.

I was with a friend over the weekend and she’s slowly embarking on one of her first relationships. And I’m jealous and envious of how she smiles when she says his name or how the conversation just slowly steers towards him. It’s such a fun time of life. Yet it’s not where I am whatsoever.

I’m not saying I don’t have options but I’m not in the right mindset… I have 2 guys texting me right now. But this is going to turn some heads but they’re both a year younger and it just puts a sour taste in my mouth and makes me skeptical of what could actually happen and how far it would actually go.

Now before you start to argue with me about being conventional (a word seldom used to describe me but in this instance, you would be totally right), there’s a little bit of my background which I think might be why I feel the way I feel. To start off with – I don’t have a problem with age differences in relationships. My parents were 12 years apart (my father 12 years senior to my mother) and my best friend’s parents are 8 years apart (the mother 8 years senior to her father). I don’t think that there is anything wrong with it – I know couples that are 2 or 3 years apart and they seem to make it work perfectly fine.

But for myself – I picture myself as being the younger person in the relationship. And the reason for that is because I have some life experience that is beyond my years already so don’t know how I would relate well to someone that is younger than me. (Footnote: my father passed away suddenly when I was 12 years old). I think this is why I feel uneasy about going out with someone who is younger than me. I have plenty of friends who are a year or two younger than myself and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m not saying it would never happen in one of my romantic relationships but I will repeat my unease.

And I find myself in a Catch 22 position – I want to have an open mind about these relationships but I already have such a dismissive point of view that I can’t shake. Although am I creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by going out with them with already such a dismissive view of the relationship?

The one boy just boggles my mind. Near the end of our first date, he asked to see me again and we scheduled our next free date. Afterwards, he talked about having some space between us and not obsessively calling each other. I laughed because it just showed how little he knew me but agreed that I wouldn’t call him all day everyday. And then on our second date, he revealed how he told his aunt and her boyfriend about me. He continually called me “hun” or “babe” and talked about how “gorgeous” I am and how he feels like he can really open up to me… Am I the only one that sees that as being totally opposite as to what was said the previous week? Haha.

The second boy shows how nervous he is – his message to see if we wanted to hang out included the word “sometime” twice and the sentence didn’t even make a whole lot of grammatical sense. You could tell that his heart was pumping hard when he wrote the message that he couldn’t even see straight to reread the message before hitting send.

I’m happy that I can make people this excited and that people can still feel this excitement about dating. The problem is that I’m not very excited at all. I’m looking at all the negatives of dating rather than the positives (I just don’t think that my mind is in the dating space right now). Maybe one day soon I will feel that excitement. For now, I’m just making sure that these two boys know that I’m just not excited right now and I’m okay with it and they have to be too.

Discomfort of Single People

So as I have written, I am single and I am also new to my job. My job requires me to shadow somebody for so many months in order to get “signed off”. And with shadowing, obviously comes downtime when you talk a bit about what’s going on in your life. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m new or if I’ll always feel this way but I feel as the “trainee”, my life is a lot more on the spotlight than theirs and I am the one who is to answer more questions.

So my trainer was asking what I was doing this weekend and I brought up how I was going to dinner with a friend. (I honestly can’t remember whether I gave up the information of it being a male friend or if she asked). She asked whether he was just a friend or if we were more than friends. I don’t understand exactly why: a) people immediately assume I’m heterosexual (I am but it just further verifies how hetero-normative our society really is) and b) why people of the opposite genders cannot be friends and finally, c) why a person cannot just be single.

Do single people make others uncomfortable?

I find a lot of solidarity with Sex and the City for the fact that it basely a lot on single women (although I don’t quite fit with the age category, I’m slowly getting there). They ask a few times within the show with whether single people make the rest of the world uncomfortable.

I’m not saying that I don’t want to date but I’m not really in the gung-ho mood about it these days. I want to put a little more focus on my job and get a bit more comfortable there. I love to spend my days off just laying on the couch or working out. There’s things about your routine that get ruined when you meet somebody new and I’m just in the phase of focusing so much on the negative aspects of it than the positive.

And furthermore, with dating, is there something wrong about dating with no make-up? I started it about a year ago I think when I would go on first dates bare. A lot of it stemmed from meeting people from online and wanting to make an accurate representation of who I am. I’m not a person who straightens her hair every week or wears contacts everyday. I like the wave that is within my hair. I have plenty of friends who say that they could never do that for themselves and are somewhat shocked/horrified that it’s something that I do. I’m sure society pegs me as being lazy but I wish I was at least somewhat celebrated for accepting my body. I want to have a balance of looking presentable but also being honest with myself and the other person – I am not somebody who always looks amazing when going out (especially if that’s just for running errands like going to the grocery store). I’m not somebody who has ever taken a lot of pride in my appearance. So when I go out on dates and have the nice hair and the nice make-up and everything else, I feel like I’m almost playing a part rather than playing me. Isn’t the whole point to find somebody who likes you for being you? Then why are we always so pressured to putting on this show in order to get somebody to like you. As if when you start dating and become boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve got them locked in and you can slowly start to be the “real you”. That’s just not how I want my relationships to work.

I’m sure there are many things that I do that make others uncomfortable but I wonder if my embrace of my single woman status is one of those things.

Dating to Infinity and beyond

Today I was on one of my first dates in quite a few months. It was really cute and there were moments that were ridiculously cute – one that was even from before we met. He asked for my phone number so that he could ask me out over the phone. During the date, it was adorable when he touched the small of my back to lead me in a particular direction… when he touched my shoulder to make sure I was okay (I was being rather quiet… nerves I guess or just enjoying the silence) and when he reached his hand over to mine to hold hands. We have our next date scheduled so I’m trying to not get too ahead of myself and just see where it takes me.

But it got me thinking about other couples. And one in particular. They are still “undercover”. I only know from a friend (and it’s not even like I’m going to tell anyone of consequences in their lives). And as much as with my first date from today, I’m not going to go around and tell everyone about him (in fact, I will likely only tell one person), I couldn’t imagine being covert after the third date. Even today, we were downtown and with many possibilities to see multiple people that we both knew. If it had happened, I’m sure we would’ve just introduced by names without including the first date information (why make things more awkward than need to be) but it’s not like we would have stopped holding hands or whatnot because of it.

It just seems odd to me to be in a relationship that people can’t know about… that people do know about but they have to pretend that it’s not really happening. To help to show the rest of people that the connection between those two people is all in their head.

Dating is still a conundrum to me. I’m still trying to work out all the details.